Freedom... At Last...

as i have grown older, there have been much that i have lost, about myself... innocence... a certain degree of righteousness... an abhorrence for smoking... to some extent compassion... and the ability to cry, when i probably should...

i cried today, just a few minutes ago actually... perhaps the reason for my crying will be scoffed at by some that might read this, if not all... it was more than a momentary pang of sorrow, or remorse for what is in the past... it lasted for probably near 5 minutes, and i did not struggle to control the sobs this time (though they were more or less muted)...

the last time i had cried like this, or actually a lil worse than this, was when i woke up in the middle of the night a few years ago, after having dreamt of shooting my brother through the throat with a 9 mm and watching him die, his eyes screaming hatred, vengeance and, above all, agonising pain... there was so much wrong with that picture... neither he nor i hate each other, we have no history even remotely suggesting the need for revenge, and i cannot even think of him in pain, physically or emotionally... i love the guy...

today a brother died, a husband, a father to an unborn child, a friend, a genius... i never knew him really, i knew him only to the extent that they let me... i watched him challenge impossible odds again and again and again... i discovered his immense propensity for loyalty, his utterly selfless desire for helping those in need, his total acceptance of self-sacrifice if it meant the safety and security of the ones he cared about... i also saw his fierce determination, his never-say-die attitude, his unnerving capacity of using all around him to the furtherance of his goal, which was never selfish, always aimed at the protection of others, always guided by his notion of what is right... i watched so many people being confounded by him, deceived, betrayed, all because they had an agenda, because they would mete out far worse to him and his loved ones... his genuis practically mocked the security of an entire nation... destroyed the aspirations of those that could think of none but themselves... and in the end, the villains were served justice, either by a jury or by a swift execution outside of the law, his loved ones survived to live the life of freedom they dreamed of, and he stood with a smile, moments before he made his final sacrifice...

my brother is married today, with a beautiful baby daughter... she's 2, and has only recently started school...

Michael Scofield lies dead and buried... there will never be another episode of Prison Break...

Cuz i say so... # 1

bottomline is, there's nothing that Rajni-can't...

i'm not sure i remember the last time i accessed someone's blog and read a post that is genuinely happy... you know, about life, their own specifically... i read the papers and usually it's about people getting killed, corruption, crazy dictators, sanctimonious demagogy, useless activism.. you get the picture... a lotta people just curse the media, say they hate the news and don't like reading it or watching it because it's all bad... but how many of us are genuinely happy about our lives... before 'mulling over...' starts telling me he loves his life, especially his 'nirlajjam sadasukhi' credo, even he might privately concede that he'd rather be telling his story in circumstances more favourable to him to be truly happy (sorry biks, you're one of the very few who reads this stuff and comments, so i thought i'd anticiapte your reaction first :) ...

we don't seem to be happy in general... maybe we are happy, in spurts... those moments might reflect in our actions and our thoughts.. for bloggers it would be natural to post those thoughts on their blogs... but how often does the genuinely and simply happy, joyful-in-the-moment, non-reflective / introspective post get obliterated by a deluge of sad ones? could someone maybe comment to this with something that's making them genuinely happy right now?