Friday, 25 December 2009
running... mild trepidation and ecstatic expectation jostling for my attention... oh my God! it's the first time i'll be seeing you in the longest time... you're early, i'm late... the train pulled in 10 minutes to soon.. you're waiting for me... the coffee shop, the auto stand... coffee shop? food... i haven't eaten dinner, but you said on the phone that you've had a bite... your voice on the phone! i drove like i was possessed, like i was crazed by my need to see you... i was only a few minutes from that voice then... only a few seconds now...
atm machine... do i cash out now? screw it, i wanna see you first... oh, how i have waited... i have to see you now!
there's the coffee shop! the run is slowing to a jog... what'll i say? what'll you say? i can't ease the tension with a joke.. especially not on whatever you might have done to your hair... i saw you last as a beautiful girl on a train.. i'll see you now as my beautiful girl on the train... the equation is different... will we see it right away?
i see you! i see you! i slow down further into a walk... your hair is different... you have that slightly hard look on your face, a natural hard set of the jaw... you're blankly looking at nothing... your i-pod in hand, bag slung on your back... waiting... i'm walking upto you, the distance is fading, the moment is coming...
i'm within 5 feet of you... you look up, you see me, you smile... it's a little forced... i was right.. it is weird for both of us... we both want to meet, to see each other, explore the mystery that we present to each other.. but the first look is always difficult... nervous half-hug... i'm talking, but what am i saying? i don't know, i think you don't either...
a nice warm bath after the long train journey... you've changed into a t-short and shorts... i'm wondering if you were thinking about all the times i've said that i'll judge your legs... you have't disappointed!! and you're crazy to not like them... i do..
i anticipated the awkwardness.. i know you did too... a movie, a comedy.. that should lighten the mood... the movie is on, the light is on... we're on the bed, backs rested against the wall, while the laptop plays Tropic Thunder, amplified on the plugged-in stereo sound system... your hand, God, i want to hold your hand!! i can feel the tension... we both want something to happen, but how?
movie's over.. you're hungry.. glad i picked up that second chicken roll... you're eating it at the dining room table.. you look beautiful.. hehe, you look sweet, fumbling with that roll...
back on the bed, looking ahead... we're talking about something or the other.. you put your head on my shoulder... i put my arm around you... we embrace... it happens so naturally, so instinctively, so fluidly... your lips are so soft, so amenable, searching, feeling, playing, teasing... somehow the light is turned off, and in the darkness gently pierced by the dim illumination from lights outside, i begin to see you... as layer after layer of inhibition is peeled off with our clothing, we throw ourselves into the discovery of each other, dissolving into each other, creating a bond of feeling, emotionality, dependence, joy, hope, togetherness, belonging... the gasps with every fresh frontier reached, every boundary crossed... all else is irrelevant, any thoughts not conducive to our frenetic rapture seeming too distant to matter... our passion elevates us to a state of semi-consciousness... we find completion, finality, fulfillment, release, in each other... there is only you, nothing but you...
dawn breaks... daylight shines upon you, accentuating the colour of your flawless skin...
we find a perfect fit in each other's embrace, meaningful nothingness, opaque clarity, serrated spokes of auburn fire in your iris converging in your pupil
... i lose myself everytime i look into your eyes, those beautiful eyes... a dreamy sleep begins to descend upon us... as my eyes begin grow heavier, i look at you again, eyes shut, half-smiling, at peace, your hand still in mine... and then i realise...
You get me closer to God...
Saturday, 28 November 2009
What if you realized, much later, that the dream may (will) never be realized? That the world will not let you have it, and it is not simply a question of a struggle with the world, but also with yourself. What if, despite every attempt at accepting what appears to be the inevitable, with every resolute promise of changing priorities, all you really seem to want, however foolishly, is that and only that dream. What if, despite the dream itself on so many occasions turning into a nightmare, convincing you that pursuance thereof can mean near inevitable ruin, you wanted nothing more than to be ruined?
What if you stoically stopped yourself from realizing at least a portion of that dream because you considered it somewhat premature and fleeting at that point, and then you later realised that that was probably the only bit of your foot that you might have gotten through the door? What if day after day you were tormented with the thought that every chance of achieving the dream was being wrenched away from you, and you fought with yourself reminding yourself that you knew this was inevitable? What if you are close to losing that fight for sanity, yet again?
What if one day it truly did become totally impossible to achieve the dream? Would you still do all you would need to to make yourself worthy of a dream you can never realize? Would you rise like a phoenix for no apparent purpose, a victor of a battle for a prize that is already lost?
I would. I will.
Friday, 20 November 2009
After the mind of every wedding planning parent / bride / groom / professional has been assailed by an unrelenting stream of wedding based films from Bollywood, and other Indian ‘woods’, there are some elements that are increasingly becoming common in most every wedding, or shall we say, pre-wedding. One such element is the concept of the ‘Sangeet’ programme before a wedding. My very limited attempts to understand the modalities of this programme revealed that it is traditionally something done by the bride’s side, but these days, I don’t think anybody really cares how it happens.
Being precariously close to an age (or maybe at an age) when the world seems only too happy and eager to tell you to get married [some like Bossina even gratuitously offering to speak to the parents of one girl I once had a crush on (hmmm… not a bad way to get some cred with chicks.. eheheheh)], I apprehend that I am only a few steps away from feeling like a donkey that people are trying to pin a tail to. But then, there are some positives to be thought about.
Seeing all the pre-marriage new-age twists to some enduring rituals or customary pratices, I think I want to have a wish-list for when the inevitable hammer falls on my bachelorhood, sealing its fate for good (or atleast till the time when I can afford alimony). So here goes:
BIKRAM’S WISH-LIST FOR WHEN HE FACES THE MUSIC
1. Bachelor Party – Yes, this concept has crept into yuppy India from the West. Such a party is not restricted to only bachelors, but married men can also attend (and feel sorry for themselves). I don’t need strippers, but there will be alcohol, the smokers can smoke, no drugs, but Babu must dance to ‘Das bahane karke le gaya dil’ (classic sight, I say!!). Women unrelated to the bride or the groom invited. Clothing optional for women, a must for men.
2. Sangeet – It’ll be my side doing it. And it will not be a bunch of dances, some old people singing bhajans / ghazals, and certainly not a bunch of fat aunty’s, one on a dholak / pakhwaj, singing a bunch of shaadi songs. Hell no!!! It will be the much awaited reunion concert of Ehsaas!! That’s right, the Sangeet programme for my marriage will be a friggin’ rock concert!!! And we will blow the crowd away!!!
3. Post-marriage pre-coital prank – I want the woman that I marry to know that essentially she will have tied the knot with a man who revels in craziness (of the fun / funny variety. PMS and similar hormonally induced strains of madness not included). The Mag 7 + 1 are an insane bunch, each with his own unique madness, and the combined effect of all us madcaps can be embarrassingly devastating. Seeing as playing a prank on the bride and groom on their first night as a married couple is also somewhat traditional, my inputs will of course be missing. The other 7 (i.e. Mag 7 – 1 + 1) will no doubt be able to think of something suitably (in)appropriate to do, so that the poor soul that ends up with me is well aware of the kind of people whom I shall hold dear to my life as long as life holds onto me (in addition to my family, out of whom my two elder brothers, seeing as I am aware of stories displaying their own considerable levels of madness, may participate in playing the prank on me along with the Mag 7 – 1 + 1).
I am not aware of any other pre-marriage rituals as of now. I welcome feedback as to other things that happen, so that I may make appropriate additions to my wish-list.
DISCLAIMER: The above is not, and shall not be construed in any respect whatsoever to be an indication of, averment to, or expression of, any desire, interest, inclination, submission, invitation, proposition, offer or solicitation on the part of the Author of the idea of getting married at anytime in the short-term (which expression, unless repugnant to the context, shall mean and include any period of time as may be decided upon at the sole discretion of the Author). The Author hereby disclaims all responsibility and liability for any acts or omissions on the part of any person(s) that may have been motivated from the text contained above, and which are not beneficial to the Author, and the right to determine whether or not such act or omission is beneficial to the Author shall rest solely with the Author.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
[To be sung to the tune of 'Thriller' by the late great Michael Jackson (R.I.P.)]
it's close to midnight
your girl n you are walking to the park
under the moonlight
you hear a sound that almost stops your heart
you start to freeze
so hoping that it will just fly away
but there is no breeze
to clear the air and it's tearin you apart
it's your girl's FART!!!
and it's a STINKER!
a stinker tonight
and no one's gonna save you from the draught of your stinky plight
yes it's a stinker
a stinker tonight
you're fighting for your life
beside the Killer Stinker
[ha ha ha ha.. (cough).. (choke)... (gag)...]
Monday, 9 November 2009
girl: hey, you wanna meet up for lunch?
girl: two 'o clock?
me: (on second thought) actually, it'll be better if we can meet up in the evening.
girl: no, ya. in the evening i have gym. and then i have an exhibition(???)
me: (chuckle) that sounds rather provocative!
me: that sounds provocative
girl: uhuh, and i've to get my stuff for that
me: (good God!) ok, lunch it is!
Friday, 9 October 2009
The first, because i sympathise, since in this particular case, i'll never be able to empathise.
The second, because i like my lean, boyish looks...
The link to the article is below:
the future will come, though it might just take a while...
Monday, 14 September 2009
years ago, a woman who i deeply loved then once asked me jokingly if i would give up being a non-vegetarian if she married me. the lovesick fool that i was, and so thoroughly jolted was i at the thought of such a dreamy outcome as of our 'shared future' (well, besides not eating meat, of course), i stupidly blurted out that i would gladly do so. the prospect of our impending marriage realistically faded away in the laughter of my peers at my awkward admission.
years later, yesterday in fact, a woman i deeply loved once, asked me if i'm ready to get married. it was not a proposition, (at least not exactly directly so ;) but a simple question. my answer was candid and honest (and a reflection of my self-confidence, or egotism, whichever way you wanna see it); i don't want to right now, but if i did, i'd make a damn great husband, and, when the time came, a damn good father as well. what should have struck me at the time was the suddenness of the question, which came without any preamble. it was out of the blue, although marriage is something this woman had frequently discussed with me earlier, without me being a factor therein. immediately after i answered, a friend asked that woman as to whether she wanted to get married. the woman replied emphatically that she was willing to tie the know that very instant.
the irony of the moment struck me immediately then, as it strikes me now, and the smile unrelentingly creeps onto my face when i think of it, as i will probably do at various points in the future. the fact remains that there were 4 of us, but she asked only me. she asked only me.
what can we ever make of the intentions and meaning of the words of the fair distaff, so often buried in such deep subterfuge? perhaps i should be grateful that the possibility of what could have been meant by her question (and her answer) does not sting as badly today as it once did. or does it?
you know why i hate women? cuz do what i will, and try as i do, i don't think i can ever really fully stop loving them.
Friday, 21 August 2009
i got a forwarded message yesterday on my cell phone... if you excuse the language, i found the message quite appealing. thought i'd share it. i've reproduced it as received:
"900 ppl gt Swine Flu & d whole World wants 2 wear Surgical Masks. 20 Million Ppl hav AIDS, But Bhenchod, nobody wants 2 wear Condoms!! Pas dis 2 all known Fuckers"
to each his own, right? :)
Monday, 17 August 2009
Now this is some seriously maddening stuff!! Go ahead and read the article above, and tell me if at some point you feel in your gut that something’s not quite right! I know I did. I felt at one level that even with the first example of the woman in her hotel room, there was something wrong. And no, please do not mistake this as merely a show of sympathy for the poor working woman! Hell no, how about a little show of faith in the drunk working man!!
It was an office party in the bar downstairs. A coworker with more ‘power’ than the woman called her and asked her to get outta bed and come enjoy the party. She felt threatened by it? Oh yeah, so the next time the guy in charge asks to you to come and chill with everybody else, that’s a threat? You know, I’m gonna look at this from a few angles. Say the guy was drunk and in the mood to fool around. So he called the woman and asked her to get down to the bar. She said she needed to sleep and hung up. Guy told himself, “Oh crap, guess I’ll look to the other chicks for a nightcap.” Or maybe something like, “That chick’s boring as hell! She oughtta let her hair down a lil’.” How about, “I think it makes sense if she came and mixed with everyone else. Good for the team.” Or, for the paranoid, “Goddamn that bitch!!! Here my thingy’s getting all steamed up, and she hangs up on me??? I’ll show her at work tomorrow!!!” Admittedly, there is a possibility that if that last option was a fact, AND it was followed up by some bullshit by the guy at work against the woman, then we’d have a problem. But basically, all that the woman really thought was that the guy was drunk, that he was someone with ‘definitely more power’ than her, and that he was calling her to the Bar at 2 a.m. to party with the rest. And she felt threatened by it.
Bloody hell, I’d be pissed off if some asshole called me at 2 a.m. and asked me to come party. That’s cuz I love my sleep. Now, I’m not a woman, so I don’t have to go through various indignities that they face as a consequence of their gender. Now I feel for them, I really do. Their lot has a tendency of being seriously crappy at times, too many times, really. But for God’s sake, do they have to be threatened by every drunk human with a penis?
It’s in the West, and it’s flowing into the East. No, no, sexual harassment very much exists here, and we don’t need the West to teach us that men here can be pigs too. But the idea of sexual harassment is evolving, and the stuff that’s accepted as unacceptable there is just automatically espoused here. Part of our modernization, perhaps? Just as we meekly accept Microsoft Word converting our ‘s’ to ‘z’ (yeah, I do it too), we’re beginning to accept concepts that might simply be considered a whole lot of bullshit when looked at objectively.
Look, ladies. The guys will think sexually of you whether you like it or not. And my God, that article practically says flirting is illegal!! What the hell is going on here?? We spend a pretty big part of our lives in the workplace, and we can’t even flirt?? If we do, people will start looking for a pattern? Sheesh, get a grip. Anybody got a problem with being made to feel pretty or attractive?? Stop a guy before he drools into your cleavage, sure, but if he thinks your haircut is looking great on you, and he seems to be checking you out, do you seriously have to be threatened by it?
I used to work in this activist place, once. We used to have these little office meetings to discuss issues. Once, the meeting was on sexual harassment at the workplace. We saw a video on the issue, and then began discussing the policy apparently existing in the office. There was no hard copy of the policy, and I don’t know what the fuck we were talking about. There was only one point that people (read: the women) wanted to be firm on; the fact that the policy existing in the office should protect women only. There was a (defunct) wing in that office which was to be working for the rights of the LGBT community. My ‘Boss’ jokingly said that we have LGBT people often working in the office, so what if a gay dude makes unwelcome advances on a male coworker? The women said that the male coworker wouldn’t be protected, which set me off, since I complained that harassment can certainly come from women as well. The entire group of females in the office started fighting with me, saying that women had faced decades of subjugation in society, so our office policy should protect only women, and why should we be any different? Because you’re trying to make a difference, you sloganeering hypocrites! One of the men in that group summed it up perfectly; he said that as long as there are more women than men in that office, the policy would never be gender neutral. I bloody laughed out loud!! Fucking activists!!! For over a week after that day, all the women looked at me like I’m Judas or something, and would whisper snide remarks behind my back. I felt harassed too for a while, but I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
Sexual harassment is a real and terrible problem. But when labour lawyers start advising offices about non-fraternisation policies in the office, the need to lighten up a little seems to arise. Goddamn, in my current workplace, one of my earliest assignments was to edit a sexual harassment policy that some female had prepared before I joined. That crazy policy was so bad, that it banned any kind of physical contact between male and female colleagues in the office. If that shit were the norm, we wouldn’t even be able to shake hands!!! Luckily, my Boss trashed it and asked me to make a new policy from scratch.
That news article speaks of how the internet and new communication technologies have allowed for the smallest thing to be potentially ‘misconstrued’. That’s like a way of saying that if you’re a guy, and you have sent a winking emoticon, you’re potentially fucked (in the not happy way)!!! Really? Maybe we shouldn’t hyperanalyse every damn thing we receive as a message or email. Otherwise, what the hell am I supposed to believe when you consider the fact that my Boss’s WIFE sent me that link to that article with the message, “Bikram, for your information”???!!!!
Friday, 17 July 2009
THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A SOLDIER IN IRAQ.
Okay, I need to rant.
I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael Jackson . As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villian to many people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people, and I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point of my rant.
Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their minds with grief. When a man dies whose only contribution to the country was to ENTERTAIN people, the Amercian people find the need to flock to a memorial in Hollywood , and even Congress sees the need to hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?
Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those Soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war, still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the United States of America . Where is there moment of silence? Where are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a Soldier dies, there are more people saying "good ridence," and "thank God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off
thier deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop Icon?"
I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS for Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan . They need to PUBLICLY
recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people can live their callous little lives in the luxory and freedom that WE, those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will never make millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hit songs that the world will listen too. We only shed our blood, sweat and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.
Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Feel free to pass this along if you want.
Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is serving in the military; "So that others may live..."
Saturday, 20 June 2009
i cried today, just a few minutes ago actually... perhaps the reason for my crying will be scoffed at by some that might read this, if not all... it was more than a momentary pang of sorrow, or remorse for what is in the past... it lasted for probably near 5 minutes, and i did not struggle to control the sobs this time (though they were more or less muted)...
the last time i had cried like this, or actually a lil worse than this, was when i woke up in the middle of the night a few years ago, after having dreamt of shooting my brother through the throat with a 9 mm and watching him die, his eyes screaming hatred, vengeance and, above all, agonising pain... there was so much wrong with that picture... neither he nor i hate each other, we have no history even remotely suggesting the need for revenge, and i cannot even think of him in pain, physically or emotionally... i love the guy...
today a brother died, a husband, a father to an unborn child, a friend, a genius... i never knew him really, i knew him only to the extent that they let me... i watched him challenge impossible odds again and again and again... i discovered his immense propensity for loyalty, his utterly selfless desire for helping those in need, his total acceptance of self-sacrifice if it meant the safety and security of the ones he cared about... i also saw his fierce determination, his never-say-die attitude, his unnerving capacity of using all around him to the furtherance of his goal, which was never selfish, always aimed at the protection of others, always guided by his notion of what is right... i watched so many people being confounded by him, deceived, betrayed, all because they had an agenda, because they would mete out far worse to him and his loved ones... his genuis practically mocked the security of an entire nation... destroyed the aspirations of those that could think of none but themselves... and in the end, the villains were served justice, either by a jury or by a swift execution outside of the law, his loved ones survived to live the life of freedom they dreamed of, and he stood with a smile, moments before he made his final sacrifice...
my brother is married today, with a beautiful baby daughter... she's 2, and has only recently started school...
Michael Scofield lies dead and buried... there will never be another episode of Prison Break...
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
we don't seem to be happy in general... maybe we are happy, in spurts... those moments might reflect in our actions and our thoughts.. for bloggers it would be natural to post those thoughts on their blogs... but how often does the genuinely and simply happy, joyful-in-the-moment, non-reflective / introspective post get obliterated by a deluge of sad ones? could someone maybe comment to this with something that's making them genuinely happy right now?
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
but screw all that. ever since i started writing 'Freakishy Faithful' on my first blog http://daunplugged.blogspot.com , i've been averse to breaking the sequence of that series and writing about any thoughts that i may have had of late. that's begun to suck, so here's daspeak.. named in the manner of Tyler's (http://gabrielspeakz.blogspot.com) and Rono's (http://ronospeak.blogspot.com) blogs, mainly cuz it was easier to name it that way, and it was available.. so what the heck..
this will probably not be the last post here :)