Knotty Boy

Tis a precarious time in which I find myself living. No, I’m not talking about terrorism, nor religious extremism, nor linguistic / cultural dogmatism, or anything like that. My problem (if indeed I could call it that) is a little more immediate. It is the phenomenon of many of my friends / acquaintances getting married, many more of them talking of getting married (which includes stories of ‘loser guys asking for blood types in the first meeting’, or ‘he was good looking, ya, but then he started talking!!!’ etc.), and of course, that stage in my life when I suddenly start attending weddings of people I actually know.

After the mind of every wedding planning parent / bride / groom / professional has been assailed by an unrelenting stream of wedding based films from Bollywood, and other Indian ‘woods’, there are some elements that are increasingly becoming common in most every wedding, or shall we say, pre-wedding. One such element is the concept of the ‘Sangeet’ programme before a wedding. My very limited attempts to understand the modalities of this programme revealed that it is traditionally something done by the bride’s side, but these days, I don’t think anybody really cares how it happens.

Being precariously close to an age (or maybe at an age) when the world seems only too happy and eager to tell you to get married [some like Bossina even gratuitously offering to speak to the parents of one girl I once had a crush on (hmmm… not a bad way to get some cred with chicks.. eheheheh)], I apprehend that I am only a few steps away from feeling like a donkey that people are trying to pin a tail to. But then, there are some positives to be thought about.

Seeing all the pre-marriage new-age twists to some enduring rituals or customary pratices, I think I want to have a wish-list for when the inevitable hammer falls on my bachelorhood, sealing its fate for good (or atleast till the time when I can afford alimony). So here goes:


BIKRAM’S WISH-LIST FOR WHEN HE FACES THE MUSIC

1. Bachelor Party – Yes, this concept has crept into yuppy India from the West. Such a party is not restricted to only bachelors, but married men can also attend (and feel sorry for themselves). I don’t need strippers, but there will be alcohol, the smokers can smoke, no drugs, but Babu must dance to ‘Das bahane karke le gaya dil’ (classic sight, I say!!). Women unrelated to the bride or the groom invited. Clothing optional for women, a must for men.

2. Sangeet – It’ll be my side doing it. And it will not be a bunch of dances, some old people singing bhajans / ghazals, and certainly not a bunch of fat aunty’s, one on a dholak / pakhwaj, singing a bunch of shaadi songs. Hell no!!! It will be the much awaited reunion concert of Ehsaas!! That’s right, the Sangeet programme for my marriage will be a friggin’ rock concert!!! And we will blow the crowd away!!!

3. Post-marriage pre-coital prank – I want the woman that I marry to know that essentially she will have tied the knot with a man who revels in craziness (of the fun / funny variety. PMS and similar hormonally induced strains of madness not included). The Mag 7 + 1 are an insane bunch, each with his own unique madness, and the combined effect of all us madcaps can be embarrassingly devastating. Seeing as playing a prank on the bride and groom on their first night as a married couple is also somewhat traditional, my inputs will of course be missing. The other 7 (i.e. Mag 7 – 1 + 1) will no doubt be able to think of something suitably (in)appropriate to do, so that the poor soul that ends up with me is well aware of the kind of people whom I shall hold dear to my life as long as life holds onto me (in addition to my family, out of whom my two elder brothers, seeing as I am aware of stories displaying their own considerable levels of madness, may participate in playing the prank on me along with the Mag 7 – 1 + 1).

I am not aware of any other pre-marriage rituals as of now. I welcome feedback as to other things that happen, so that I may make appropriate additions to my wish-list.

DISCLAIMER: The above is not, and shall not be construed in any respect whatsoever to be an indication of, averment to, or expression of, any desire, interest, inclination, submission, invitation, proposition, offer or solicitation on the part of the Author of the idea of getting married at anytime in the short-term (which expression, unless repugnant to the context, shall mean and include any period of time as may be decided upon at the sole discretion of the Author). The Author hereby disclaims all responsibility and liability for any acts or omissions on the part of any person(s) that may have been motivated from the text contained above, and which are not beneficial to the Author, and the right to determine whether or not such act or omission is beneficial to the Author shall rest solely with the Author.